by Peter Sarver
A month or so ago, one of my SU students sent me an email: For my Honors Thesis Project, I am creating an art book focusing on what gives our relationships with people value through a psychological and philosophical lens- going in depth with the negative and positive aspects of platonic and romantic relationships. I was wondering if you would be willing to have a conversation with me about your relationships throughout the years and how they affected you. Vivian is a young woman who is an explorer of emotions; she is a seeker who is trying to discern the mysteries of the universe, especially human relationships. As her “professor” of “Living with Dying,” I imagine she intuited there might be a few morsels of wisdom to share from this almost 80-year-old.
I might have suggested that she read C.S. “Lewis’ classic “The Four Loves” or the more recent “all about love – New Visions” by bell hooks. But she wanted the personal side of things. I tried to be somewhat transparent but there are limitations to disclosure. So, I started out with my high school sweetheart [who after more than 60 years maintains a relationship with me through email exchanges]. She was and still is a composite of Lewis’ 4 loves: Affection, Friendship, Eros & Charity. The lust of Eros, however, retreated back in 1965.
The problem with young love is the transitory nature of romance where the search [and failures] of finding a soul mate are dominant. When you are in that extended period of adolescence, you don’t know that you have an idealized sense of who that other person is, nor that personalities change over time. Change together or fall apart?
I reviewed my 1st marriage of 27 years which produced two wonderful children and now, wonder-filled grandchildren. The years of raising a family and pursuing a career are always filled with joy and sadness…and when ending in divorce, heart-break. I stepped more lightly through my 2nd marriage, 24 years and still counting. The endearing years of life together emerge with moments of conflict and grace. Senior love is a hybrid of affection and friendship as we go about our daily routines and an occasional surprise.
Senior love is more about soul love which I wrote about back in Musings 12.3 in Dec 2021. I think it is essential to express love for another’s soul. These are special relationships, too often overlooked. Soul love is not confined to an institution like marriage [but it certainly helps to have some reserve handy during difficult times with your spouse.]
I have soul love for a number of friends who essence I perceive as more about “giving than getting.” These are the folks who give you a stream of grace-moments. They are a mix of men, women and variety of persons when the relationships go above & beyond the boundaries of sexuality. While Freud would say that eros continues poking its arrows into the flesh of humanity, I know that kindness and generosity of heart can be far stronger instincts when true soul love prevails.
Barriers to a soul-full relationship many times are reflective of the lingering effects of earlier traumas. Trauma, especially in childhood can defect the possibilities of more meaningful relations with others. If you’ve tried regular psychotherapy or other counseling, perhaps it is time to pursue Spiritual Direction, offered by programs of the Spiritual Renewal Center, https://www.spiritualrenewalcenter.com/
But just as all acquaintances do not become friends, all friends do not become soul brothers or soul sisters. There are certain affinities of soul-ness that come along and become self-evident in a sort of mutuality of shared values and deep trust. I believe the expression of having a soul-sibling relationship is enhanced when both persons know the Spirit of God who lives within each one’s soul and is the source of peace & love. I wrote about the dynamics of Divine Love some weeks ago.
Glimpses of divine love are seen when our soul siblings dare enough to share their thoughts and feelings. After a recent lunch together, a friend in parting simply said, Peter I love you. My response to him was simple too, Love ya back! We have recognized for some time that we are soul-brothers. It is always a mutual blessing to have it affirmed. Peter Sarver